“They send coffee. We send tariffs. Who wins? We do.” — Donald J. Trump
He came. He taxed. He dominated global trade with a tweet and a dream
“Why fix a deficit when you can slap a 420% tax on fidget spinners?” —Tariff King, First Act, Scene 1
The Three-Act Saga of Supreme Tariffication
Act I: Shock & Awe
Jan 20 – Sworn in. Tweets: “Trade deficit? SAD! Tariffs coming. Bigly.”
Jan 26 – Drops a spicy 69% tax on Colombian coffee. Arepas too comfy.
Feb 1 – Hits China, Mexico, and Canada with the Lumber-6.9 Special™.
Act II: Calculated Chaos
Mar 1 – Hockey pucks under national security review. Why? Suspiciously round.
Mar 15 – Announces a beret tax, then cancels it. Just to keep France nervous.
Apr 1 – $4.20 golf ball surcharge. Symbolic? Yes. Iconic? Also yes.
Act III: Global Domination
May 1 – Steel & aluminum? 69% incentive tariff. You’re welcome.
May 20 – 101% on European cheese. Because that is the BEST cheese.
Jun 1 – Final adjustment. No one leaves the room until the deal is closed.
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Tariff: 0%
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